i decided to start a blog but tellno one about it cause i really dont care for anyone toknow but if they want to they can find it i guess...
i dont know where to really start i guess i am writing this to you Jesus... i dont know why it so awkward to say your name it ust feel like it dosnt roll or something ... so i get lonely ... a lot.. pretty much every night i pray for somekind of real relationship with someone i feel i kind of ahve one with jennifer and maybe thats why i am so much in love with her it hurts... i think that she is my only true friend... she knows me best i would say... i do hav david who is a fun guy to hangout with but he wouldnt back me up if i got ina fight or anything, he told me so himself... im just a guy for him to hangwith i think... the only people who seem to really want me around is the ones who want nothing to do with christ... i tried getting involved with the church i ask and ask and nobody lets me join anything sometimes they dont even let me help break anything down after service...it hurts a lot to never get a call from my cousins or aunt they never really talk to much i try totalk but its just grunts and "yeah we work" or "blah blah weather" i just want to find a place to feel accepted for who i am and what i like but because i dont fit into amold nobody wants me around them... my parents only want me around cause i can work for them ...in everything else im just a freeloading burden who eats their food... i want to go to montana or at least some sort of ywam school people there at least try to be real and want people to be there sometimes i just wish i could leave and go home and that you would take me there now or an hour ago...
hearing that jen has some new guy she is into who isnt even wanting to go to chuch and admited he just wants fwb uhg it kills me just thinking about it i want to so badly tell he how much i care for her and want to take care of her and help her complete whatever her callng is to any end to hold her when she is feeling sad ...to be happy when she does something she lovesand i know that ho much i feel is multiplied te times when itd you feeling toward me but i cant seem to grasp that
and you should be enough but i need physical to... i need to be held by a soft woman.. to ket her know what has got me underthe weather... pull me out of my head, cause nobody wants tolisten me though so i guess tough luck i think my add gets in the way alot... ...
i drove down tocalifornia once i leftmy pugs i felt so strongly and i saw signs pointing and i couldnt handle my feeling for her anymore i just droped it all... but she said no... i thought it was over i was done withher and we could just be friends but i guess not i long for her i long to hear he voice every message i get phone email facebook... every call i see a part of me hopes it is her... i dream most nights about her after lying in bed praying or her and her family i just want to help in any way i can... buti want to be more than just friends i want to love her as christ loves her i know i will never even come close to tat but i want to try... i want to love and have a reason to live as of now i have nothing going for me and nobody cares...
so jennifer if you somehow find this i hope it isnt awkward to knowthat i love you so much i would giveyou anything even if its space and time away fromme anydistance or length i just want you to be happy above anything else
